“The more you let people be who they are, the better your relationships will be.”
– Mel Robbins
It was an honor to host this section of the book. As is often the case, the timing of this book—and especially this section on adult friendships—felt divinely timed for me. I heard the same from others in our weekly discussion, reinforcing Mel's statement that adult friendships can be challenging.
In the very first paragraph of Chapter 11, she says that everyone she knows is struggling with adult friendships—creating them, losing them, or even finding time to maintain them. I thought it was just me. One of the things I love most about reading in community is the affirmation that I am not alone. Tonight, Brenda’s share was evidence of that.
In the subsection The Great Scattering, I gained insight into how adult friendships differ from childhood friendships. According to a University of Kansas study, you must spend over 200 hours with someone to become close friends. In the context of childhood vs. adult friendships, think about how easily high school and college students accumulate 200 hours together. Now, compare that to how long it takes to reach 200 hours through coffee dates, walks, and barbecues!
During our Thursday evening book club discussion, Lindsaya and Ezra beautifully illustrated how they have developed close friendships through the Wellness Warrior Collective. This community offers more than 261 hours per year of meeting space, which aligns with the 200-hour marker as well as the idea that it takes a year, as outlined in Chapter 13.
Once I considered the three pillars of adult friendships in my current relationships—and how to apply The Let Them Theory—my understanding expanded even more. The three pillars are proximity, timing, and energy:
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Proximity refers to how often you are physically near someone.
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Timing reflects the stage of life you’re in. (Thank you, Emily, for sharing your experience with this!)
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Energy (or chemistry) is that natural click—you either feel it with someone, or you don’t.
The question I posed in our discussion was: Do your closest friendships have all three pillars? If one is missing, how does it impact the relationship? I invite you to reflect on this for yourself. If you’d like to hear our responses, replays of our book club meetings are available in the Clubhouse app:
🔗 Listen to the Replay Here 🔗
The Let Them Theory in Friendships
In Chapter 12, Mel makes it very clear that The Let Them Theory is not meant to be used as an excuse to end perfectly good friendships. She emphasizes that we can let them not text back and still assume good intent. I’m grateful for Nickieann’s share on how she used this part of the book to navigate her friendships.
How to Create the Best Friendships of Your Life
Chapter 13 offers actionable steps to cultivate new friendships. This is the “Let Me” part of the theory, which can also be thought of as The Habit of Going First:
- Compliment people everywhere you go.
- Be curious.
- Smile and say hello to anyone and everyone you pass or meet.
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Do this without expectation.
Shay summed it up beautifully: “Lead with love and be accountable.”
Will people be a little awkward? Yes. Let them.
Will most people be warm and receptive? Yes. Let them.
Stop expecting friends to find you. Go first, and you will find them.
How to Build Community (Mel’s Outline)
✅ Look for events and group classes that interest you.
✅ When you click with someone, take it beyond the class.
✅ As you meet more people, find events that interest you and invite those you’ve been spending time with to go as a group.
I’ll be honest—when I first read this chapter, I thought it sounded like a lot of effort and questioned whether I even wanted to make new friends. Then, I was reminded that good friends make me happier, healthier, and bring meaning to my life. Friendships are one of the things I will cherish most as I move through life.
Tracy reminded me tonight that my friendship with myself is just as important as any other friendship.
Let me be understanding.
Let me make an effort.
Let me check in without expectation—because I care.
Let me make the plans.
Let me trust when the energy feels off.
Let me call or text when someone crosses my mind.
Let me act with the belief that some of my best friends are ones I haven’t even met yet.
Let me go first.
When I say Let Them, I release the need to cling to friendships that no longer serve me, making space for connections that truly matter.
When I say Let Me, I take charge of my social life—cultivating friendships that reflect my values and bring me joy.
With Love, Leila
2 comments
Great recap. ❤️
Leila, such a beautiful recap, collecting the wisdom and paying it forward so generously. Thank you for guiding us through this segment and co-hosting this virtual book club. Love doing it with you!